In which like a snail retreating into its shell, I immerse myself in writing this post, and somehow, silently, magically, disappear completely.

Some days are harder than others. Some days “that there, that’s not me”.

I like to keep it positive, keep it brightside, but it isn’t always easy, maintaining a front.

My mother has dementia. I can’t remember if I’ve told you that before but there it is. In plain English. Dementia. And it is eating away at her … and gnawing away at me.

Somedays, her ‘demented mind’ and warped way of thinking skew facts, deconstructing and reconstructing past events, churning up ‘history’, and raking up the bones of a long buried past. Dementia drives obsession and obsessive behavioural patterns. Those suffering with the disease often focus on past happenings, and sadly, in my mother’s case, these tend to be predominantly negative.

I don’t know what triggers these bouts of obsession, and while irregular in frequency, they are regular in recurrence. They come and they go, lasting anything from a few hours up to as many weeks. At the moment, mum is currently experiencing a bout of fixation that is particularly vitriolic. I keep trying to swerve the conversation by changing the subject or leaving the room, but it’s no use. She just keeps on, and on, and on, repeating the same angry utterances again, and again, and again.

Like stone on glass, it grinds and wears me down. I feel myself shrivelling. I feel my temper burning. I feel sadness burrowing into my heart and darkness enshrouding my soul.

And then it takes my hand. The need to evaporate, to fade, to disappear completely.

That there
That’s not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I’m not here
This isn’t happening
I’m not here
I’m not here
In a little while
I’ll be gone
The moment’s already passed
Yeah it’s gone
And I’m not here
This isn’t happening
I’m not here
I’m not… – How to Disappear Completely, Radiohead (Kid A)
Some days, no matter how hard I try, dementia beats me into retreat. You can only fight the invisible in so many ways, and for so long, before like a war-savvy guerrilla it takes you out.
The words of this Radiohead song perfectly sum up how I feel in these instances of mind-bending unreality. Because that’s how it feels. Unreal. Mind-warping. Nerve-wracking. Tension tightening. Emotional straightjacket.
And all the while, there she is. Oblivious. My wonderful, intelligent, determined, courageous, brave, inspirational mother. A fragile and frayed iteration of her former steely self. And I hate it, this disease. It has forced us to fight a battle we cannot win.
I stand bruised but not broken. Bloodied, but unbowed.
For now though, I need to go.
” … In a little while
I’ll be gone
I’m not here
This isn’t happening
I’m not here
I’m not”
You can listen to the first episode of my dementia podcast Fade to Grey here. More episodes will follow shortly.

*If a little of what you fancy appeals, and you’d like to have my #dailyinspo365 posts appearing in your inbox, I’d love to have you along for the joy, the bumps, and more importantly, the company. You can follow along by clicking the ‘Follow DervSwerve’ link on the right!

One thought on “How to Disappear Completely #dailyinspo365

  1. Their look became above a life way far
    too tired to contemplate or eye a thing
    it seems as if they’d lost to give
    but that world bewildering to our striving

    To the tired shuffling of her steaps so feeble
    which turns and turns in never-ending circles
    their search lost every gravitating middle
    to shadow watches, wants to go home

    But sometimes, smiling for a second
    a faint moment leads us close to shore
    soothes our gutted courage back to health
    whilst their glance’s astray once more

    Liked by 1 person

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